Thanks to social media, the term “weaponized incompetence” began trending in 2020-2021, giving many individuals a name to an issue they may have experienced but didn’t know how to discuss or describe. While it can be a tricky and confusing subject, weaponized incompetence can have a severe negative impact on many different kinds of relationships, so it’s important to know the warning signs of this dynamic. Here, we’ll dive into what exactly weaponized incompetence is, how it works, and how to address it in a relationship.
What Is Weaponized Incompetence?
According to the Cleveland Clinic, weaponized incompetence is a psychological dynamic where one party feigns confusion or inability to complete a task as an excuse, putting the work off onto the other party. While it primarily occurs in committed, romantic relationships, weaponized incompetence can also happen in friendships and in the workplace.
While normal incompetence means an inability to do something successfully and is not intentional, weaponized incompetence is a conscious choice to feign inability to shift burdens or responsibilities onto another party.
How It Works
Weaponized incompetence may be hard to recognize at first. Here are just a few examples of what this dynamic can look like in many different kinds of relationships:
Example #1: Romantic Relationships
- Person A: “I noticed the clothes are still wrinkled after you fold the laundry. Could you please make sure to fold it better next time?”
- Person B: “I’m just not good at folding clothes. You do it so much better than me. Maybe you should just do the laundry from now on.”
Example #2: Friendships
- Person A: “Could you help organize the group dinner this month? I have a lot on my plate at work over the next few weeks.”
- Person B: “You know I’m terrible at planning stuff like that. You always do such a great job—why don’t you take care of it again?”
Example #3: Workplace
- Person A: “You had several errors in your last report. Can you double check the numbers next time?”
- Person B: “Yeah, I’m not great with details. You’re so much better at that kind of thing. Do you mind giving it a quick fix for me?”
In each example, Person B uses their alleged lack of skill to avoid responsibility and push the task onto Person A. An individual using weaponized incompetence may downplay their own skills and flatter the other person to encourage them to take over the task.
In some cases, an individual using weaponized incompetence may initially agree to the task; however, after complaining constantly, asking repeated questions, or intentionally performing poorly, the other party may take over the task anyway because it feels more efficient.
Why Is It Harmful?
Weaponized Incompetence can strain relationships, whether in a romantic relationship, friendship, or in the workplace. This unhealthy dynamic can cause an imbalance in responsibility, encourage resentment, and eat away at trust in the relationship. When certain responsibilities begin to fall entirely on one person, it can make them feel overwhelmed and like their needs aren’t being prioritized.
In romantic relationships, this unhealthy dynamic can be extra harmful when children are involved. Seeing weaponized incompetence play out may cause them to view one parent as more trustworthy and responsible. It may also give them an unhealthy expectation in future relationships.
Weaponized Incompetence in Relationships
Weaponized incompetence can take an extra toll in romantic relationships because romantic partners share so many responsibilities, such as housework, parenting, finances, and more. Here are a few more examples of how this dynamic can play out in many different areas of a romantic relationship:
Example #1: Housework
When asked to clean the bathroom, one partner drags their feet and asks repeated questions, even though they’ve done this task before, such as, “Wait, which cleaner am I supposed to use again?” and “Do you want me to scrub the sink, too?” They then complete the task poorly, leaving streaks on the mirror and obvious trash on the floor and wait for their partner to redo it.
Example #2: Parenting
During the kid’s bedtime routine, one partner constantly forgets important steps, such as having the kids brush their teeth or reading the bedtime story. Despite having followed this routine many times, they act confused about the schedule and say things like, “Oh, I thought you already did that part.” Their continuous mistakes make the other partner step in and finish the routine every night.
Example #3: Finances
Each month, when it’s time to handle the budget, one partner misplaces receipts, forgets account passwords, and asks questions like, “How do we pay our utility bill again?” They continuously make errors that require their partner to correct things, like missing a payment, until eventually the other partner gives up and takes over the financial tasks entirely.
How to Address It
Weaponized incompetence can have a severe negative impact on any relationship, so it’s important to address it when you see it. Here are a few tips for navigating this dynamic:
Call It Out
If you notice someone constantly using weaponized incompetence to get out of their fair share of responsibility, don’t be afraid to call it out. You don’t have to be accusatory or mean, but simply call attention to the behavior, how it makes you feel, and how the burden may not be equally shared. If they try to redirect by insisting they don’t know how to complete the task or how to do it well, emphasize that they need to put in effort and that it needs to be done consistently.
Set Clear Boundaries and Expectations
Communication is key. If there’s an uneven delegation of responsibility, you may need to have a discussion about what you expect—without leaving room for confusion or excuses. Clear boundaries can help you define what you’re willing (and not willing) to tolerate and expectations outline what needs to happen and how. When having this conversation:
- Be Specific: This leaves no room for confusion or excuses. Instead of asking them to “help out more,” clarify what needs to be done and to what standard. For example, you may say, “I need you to clean the bathroom every Saturday. That means scrubbing the sink, toilet, and shower, and wiping down all surfaces.”
- Set Consequences: If someone refuses to set boundaries, there need to be consequences so they don’t continue to dodge tasks or complete them poorly. You may say, “If the bills aren’t paid on time, we’ll need to rethink how we divide financial responsibilities.”
- Stop Redoing Their Work: Correcting or redoing their taks reinforces their behavior. Try letting the imperfect work remain or asking them to fix it themselves. You may say, “The dishes are still dirty. Can you please rewash them before we move on to anything else?”
Seek Outside Support, If Necessary
If patterns of weaponized incompetence continue to persist in your relationship despite clear communication and boundaries, it may be time to seek outside support, such as couples therapy or individual counseling. A professional can help you determine why these patterns exist, how to rebuild trust, and how to create a balanced division of responsibilities.
Reflecting on Weaponized Incompetence
Remember, weaponized incompetence can affect many different kinds of relationships, including romantic relationships, friendships, and those in the workplace. Because this unhealthy dynamic can have a negative impact and lead to resentment and mistrust, it’s important to recognize the signs of weaponized incompetence and know how to address it in order to keep your relationship healthy.
Meet the Author
Ali Lemmons, BS, Summa Cum Laude
Ali Lemmons is a graduate of the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga where she earned a Bachelor of Science degree in Communication with a minor in computer science. While at UTC, Ali also earned the distinction of Summa Cum Laude, the Outstanding Senior Award for the communication department, and was inducted into the Kappa Tau Alpha honor society. Now, as editor/digital content specialist for CMC Publications and Digital Smart Marketing, Ali leads the ideation, conceptualization, and development of numerous health, wellness, and lifestyle articles published in print and online for HealthScope, CityScope, and Choose Chattanooga magazines – premier publications serving S.E. Tennessee and North Georgia. She also is the lead copywriter for the company’s social media sites.
