Good communication in a romantic relationship is essential for expressing your needs and desires as well as solving problems large and small.
Here, we spoke to Karisa Kaye, a therapist at I Love Us Relationship & Intimacy Counseling, and Harrison Brown, a counselor at Roots Counseling Center, to learn more about communicating through conflict.
Identify Your Communication Styles
Once you recognize your needs and habits in a difficult discussion, you can change negative patterns. Kaye outlines seven toxic forms of communication to watch out for: invalidation, escalation, criticism, defensiveness, believing the worst, stonewalling, and contempt. “It’s important for couples to identify what triggers and initiates a negative cycle together, and how each partner plays off of the other, so they can start working to do things differently with one another,” Kaye stresses.
In addition to avoiding those pitfalls, ask your partner what they need from you when you’re talking through conflict together. For example, do they feel overwhelmed by raised voices? Do they need the comfort of a grounding touch during a discussion, or do they prefer distance?
Take Timing Into Account
It can be helpful to tell your partner in advance if you’d like to talk about an issue so they have time to process their thoughts and feelings. You’ll both have a better chance at communicating clearly without the defensiveness that sometimes comes from feeling blindsided.
Even with this preparation, things can still get heated. “When communication is no longer effective, but is starting to cause harm, I coach couples to ask for a ‘time out,’” Kaye explains. The couple decides how much time they’ll give themselves to process and deescalate, and then they’ll return to the discussion. “If utilized well, asking for a time out can be a very respectful way of protecting a couple’s connection,” she says.
Resolution Isn’t Always Agreement
No matter how well you communicate, sometimes it feels like there are bigger, unsolvable areas of contention. “These heavy hitters are not right and wrong issues, but instead are differences in perspective based on deeper, unchanging aspects of each person,” Brown explains. These could be things like introversion versus extroversion and type A versus type B personalities.
This is where healthy communication is invaluable – “if needs are expressed, feelings are shared, compromises are made – then both parties feel understood and cared for, which is often 90% of the battle,” he says.
Even with this preparation, things can still get heated. “When communication is no longer effective, but is starting to cause harm, I coach couples to ask for a ‘time out,’” Kaye explains. The couple decides how much time they’ll give themselves to process and deescalate, and then they’ll return to the discussion. “If utilized well, asking for a time out can be a very respectful way of protecting a couple’s connection,” she says.
Harrison Brown, MA, NCC
Counselor
Roots Counseling Center
Karisa Kaye, MAMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist
I Love Us Relationship & Intimacy Counseling
