How to Identify and Respond
The true definition of trauma bonding has gotten lost and distorted over the internet and social media. Colloquially, many define trauma bonding as a connection formed with someone by sharing and talking about your personal trauma and experiences.
However, true trauma bonding is actually a result of a toxic and abusive relationship. In this article, we’ll define trauma bonding, learn how to identify it, and discuss how to respond.
What is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding occurs when an emotional attachment forms between two people in an abusive relationship, whether emotional or physical. This can make the victim of the abuse feel a strong connection to their abuser.
According to the Cleveland Clinic, this is often due to the cycle of abuse.
Cycle of Abuse
In any abusive relationship, there is a cyclical nature that the relationship adheres to. According to the Cleveland Clinic, the cycle of abuse has four phases: tension, harm, reconciliation, and calm.
- Tension building: In the first stage of abuse, tension, anger, and stress will begin to grow in the relationship, usually due to the abuser’s internal turmoil. The abuser will begin to project this tension onto the other person.
- Violence or harm: As tension boils over, the abuser will initiate an instance of violence or harm. This can be a physical instance, like throwing things, or an emotional instance, like yelling and calling names.
- Reconciliation: After these kinds of incidents, the abuser will begin to try and reconcile with the other person to “make up” for the incident. This may look like buying flowers or being overly nice and kind to compensate. The person being abused will receive a dopamine release when the abuse has stopped and relief has begun. This will strengthen the emotional attachment between the abuser and the person being abused.
- Calm: In this stage, the relationship remains calm and almost neutral. Both parties will try to excuse any toxic or abusive behavior happening in the relationship. This cycle will also be the beginning for tensions to start growing anew.
As the two parties continue through this cycle of tension, harm, reconciliation, and calm, they’ll begin to feel bonded and like they have a real emotional connection.
Kinds of Relationships
Trauma bonding can happen in many different kinds of relationships, not just romantic (though that is certainly common). It most often occurs in relationships that have some kind of power imbalance. Some other relationships that could develop trauma bonding include:
- Parents and children: Trauma bonding can occur for children that are victims of child abuse. As the child seeks to bond and form an emotional attachment with their parent, they will also experience abuse, throwing them into the cycle.
- Fraternities/sororities: Abuse can occur in Greek organizations through hazing and power imbalances between current and potential members. However, it will be “made up for” through fun events, rewards, and feelings of friendship.
- Workplace: Toxic bosses and coworkers can have manipulative and abusive tendencies in the workplace. This may be made up for with positive reinforcement like words of affirmation and work benefits.
Signs of Trauma Bonding
While trauma bonding may be hard to identify while you’re experiencing it, there may be signs of it in any kind of relationship.
- Ignoring red flags: A person experiencing abuse may ignore their abuser’s toxic tendencies. They will omit the negative parts of the relationship and only focus on the good and the positive reinforcement they receive.
- Isolation and secrecy: Someone that is trauma bonded may begin to draw away from their friends and family. They may keep secrets about their relationship from their family as well as from their abuser.
- Justifying abusive actions: People experiencing abuse will not only ignore abusive behavior but try to justify it to those around them. They may make excuses for why their abuser is treating them this way.
How to Respond to Trauma Bonding
If you have noticed signs of trauma bonding in your relationship, it may be time to respond. While it isn’t easy to come to terms with an abusive relationship, it’s important to take care of your mental and physical health.
According to Psychology Today, there are a few ways to help break a trauma bond in an abusive relationship:
- Acknowledge the trauma bond: The first step is recognizing and admitting that you are experiencing a trauma bond in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. Acknowledging the bond can help break the cycle of abuse and help you realize that the relationship is not healthy.
- Seek help: While breaking a trauma bond, you’ll need support from reliable friends, family, and those in your community. A support system will listen to and validate your concerns about abusive behaviors. It can also be beneficial to talk to a licensed counselor and seek therapy.
- Cut off toxic relationships: While it may be hard, it is necessary to leave an abusive relationship, whether romantic, platonic, or familial. You may want to limit contact or cut it off completely. This is important for your mental health and to start the healing process.
- Process your experience: Taking time to reflect, process, and practice self-care will benefit your journey after breaking a trauma bond. Allow yourself to feel a wide range of emotions about your relationship. Reflect on the patterns and abusive behavior you experience. Find activities that promote healing, and surround yourself with a network of supportive people.
- Take time to grow: Recovering from a trauma bond will take time, hard work, and patience. Use this time to grow as a person and experience your life without an abusive relationship. Invest in healthy friendships, set personal goals, and create boundaries to prevent getting into a toxic relationship in the future.
While it won’t be an easy process, it is possible to break a trauma bond and leave an unhealthy relationship. Remember that your mental and physical health is important, and that abuse in a relationship is never okay.
Therapy for Trauma Bonding
As we mentioned early, therapy can be extremely helpful when trying to break a trauma bond or leave an abusive relationship. If you need support while cutting off an abuser, it may be beneficial to consult a licensed counselor. (Choosing a therapist can be hard, so spend time finding the right counselor for you.) It may be beneficial to find a counselor who has experience with trauma counseling.
According to Sandstone Care, there are also different kinds of therapy that can help those going through this process.
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): This type of therapy helps individuals address thoughts, feelings, and emotions and identify any relationships or patterns between them. CBT is used to rework untrue or negative beliefs and align them with reality. Through CBT, individuals will learn how to do this on their own.
- Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): EMDR is used to deal with distressing personal memories, like abuse or trauma. Therapists use stimuli (like light beams, audio, or moving objects) to help facilitate the body’s natural healing process for lessening intense emotions.
Trauma Bonding Resources
If you’re looking for further resources to learn more about identifying and responding to a trauma bond, consider some of the literature below.
- Trauma Bonding: How to Stop Feeling Stuck, Overcome Heartache, Anxiety and PTSD: For those feeling like they can’t move on from an unhealthy relationship, this book details how to move on from heartache and other traumatic events, including through Q&As and case studies.
- (Audiobook) Trauma Bonding: Understanding and Overcoming the Trauma Bond in a Narcissistic Relationship: For the non-readers, this audiobook can help individuals process overcoming a trauma bond in an abusive relationship. This book details what trauma bonding is, the stages of acceptance, and how to break away, all based on the author’s personal experience.
- The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma: Dutch psychiatrist and author Bessel van der Kolk discusses different kinds of trauma, how they can affect your brain, and innovative treatment for healing.
- It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle: In some instances, trauma may be inherited from your family members. In his book, Mark Wolynn discusses how traumatic experiences may be passed and how to end the cycle.
