When the signals aren’t obvious
Gaslighting, a form of emotional abuse, can be truly debilitating to experience firsthand. It’s not always a dramatic shouting match, rather a slow and methodical tactic to skew our perception of reality. The gaslighter might deny they ever said something we can clearly remember, leaving us questioning our sanity. These subtle signs can be easy to miss, but recognizing them is crucial. By staying alert to the tricks gaslighters use, we can protect ourselves from their attempts to control and harm us.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where the abuser’s goal is to subtly make the victim believe that their recollection of events, judgment, or sanity should be questioned or blamed. For instance, a gaslighter will often tell their victim “That never happened” or “You are just being paranoid ” to make their target doubt their thoughts and accept a revised version of history. The goal of a gaslighter is to shift blame away from themselves by convincing us that there is something wrong with our thinking, rather than accepting any responsibility. Gaslighting is not just reserved for intimate relationships—it can also be present in any personal relationship.
Signs of Gaslighting
The first step to stopping gaslighting is recognizing it. This emotional abuse aims to control how we feel by making us question reality. By taking a step back and analyzing the situation calmly, we can gain the clarity that gaslighting often clouds. Common phrases and behaviors gaslighters use are key indicators to identify. By learning to recognize these red flags, we can protect ourselves from their manipulation.
Common Phrases
While reviewing language used during arguments can reveal gaslighting, context is crucial. The key to properly identifying this behavior lies in patterns. A single instance doesn’t necessarily indicate gaslighting. However, frequent use of specific phrases can be a red flag. These are some common phrases gaslighters use to manipulate our perception:
- “That never happened.”
- “You’re overreacting.”
- “It’s all in your imagination.”
- “You have never mentioned that before.”
- “You’re crazy.”
- “Stop being so sensitive.”
- “It was just a joke.”
Phrases starting with “You are” or “You did/didn’t” can be a warning sign. These accusatory statements directly try to control how we perceive a situation. In arguments, watch out for this kind of language, as it’s a common tactic gaslighters use to manipulate our memory and thinking.
Gaslighting Behavior
The hallmarks of other types of toxic behavior and emotional abuse are often good indicators that gaslighting is taking place. A gaslighter has a toolbox of tricks to mess with our head. People who lie easily and deflect blame are often comfortable with manipulation. If someone constantly dismisses our feelings or changes the subject when we try to discuss an issue, it’s a red flag. Don’t be fooled by empty words of affection, either. One tactic is minimizing feelings. If you express an emotion and they dismiss it as unimportant, that’s a big indicator of toxic behavior. The most deceptive tactic is “love bombing” with manipulative affection. Phrases like “I love you” can be used to rewrite history or deflect blame. Always look at their actions, not just their words.
How Gaslighting Affects the Victim
Being gaslighted can be incredibly confusing and lead to a cascade of negative emotions and behaviors. We might feel isolated and doubt our judgment. Self-doubt and questioning our memories and perceptions are common. The gaslighter might even make us feel “crazy” or “too sensitive” to further erode our trust. Another symptom is constantly feeling on edge and like we’re “walking on eggshells” around them. If something feels off, listen to your intuition. It’s important to process emotions in a healthy way and take time to calm down before reacting. Keeping a journal can be a powerful tool to document events and track the pattern of gaslighting. By staying aware of the signs, we can gain a clearer understanding of what’s happening and take steps to protect ourselves.
Next Steps
If you recognize repeated gaslighting behaviors from someone in your life, you have two main options: address them directly or remove them from your life. This decision can be difficult, but remember that it is necessary. To navigate it, surround yourself with a supportive network of loved ones. Talk to them for help and guidance.
If you decide to confront the gaslighter, be direct and assertive. Make it clear that any attempts at manipulation will not be tolerated. Journaling is a great way to keep a log of what was said at what times to reference back on during a confrontation.
Here are some steps to follow:
- Use specific examples:
- Describe situations where you felt gaslighted.
- Provide evidence (optional): If you have them, reference journal entries or other records to support your claims.
- Focus on solutions: Aim for a productive conversation about how to stop the gaslighting and build a healthier relationship.
Remember, confronting a gaslighter might not always be effective or even safe. A gaslighter may acknowledge their wrongdoings and make the necessary steps to reform their actions, but it is also possible that a gaslighter will attempt to further deflect and shift responsibility away. If there is resistance to a confrontation it may be time to reevaluate the relationship as a whole. It’s important to prioritize your well-being throughout this process.
Walking Away
When gaslighting occurs, it can be extremely damaging to your mental health. It may also be a sign of deeper abuse in the relationship. In such situations, consider walking away completely, depending on the severity of the situation.
No matter which path you choose, look after yourself. Lean on your support system for strength and guidance as you move forward.
