When you find yourself with a new crush or romantic connection, it comes with a lot of feelings. Excitement, nerves, and attraction to name a few! Sometimes, it can be hard to determine what feelings are normal and what may be a sign of an unhealthy attachment—like limerence.
If your feelings are too powerful to control, they make it hard to function in daily life, or they’re taking a toll on your mental health, you may be experiencing feelings of limerence.
What is Limerence?
Limerence is an involuntary attachment that an individual may form to another person, also referred to as the “limerent object.” This attachment is obsessive, addictive, and one-sided.
Typically, part of the obsessiveness of the attachment revolves around the uncertainty surrounding the limerent object’s feelings as well as the individual’s desire for their fascination to be reciprocated.
Oftentimes, limerence involves intense sexual desire, though it doesn’t have to. In some cases, limerence may center around the idea of settling down with the limerent object. Or, in rare cases, limerence can occur in a platonic relationship. Individuals may also experience limerence for someone they’ve met just a few times or someone they’ve never met at all – like a celebrity or social media influencer.
Difference Between Love and Limerence
As mentioned earlier, it can be hard to determine what feelings are normal with a new crush or romantic connection. If you’re trying to determine the difference between lust and love, here are some general situations that may help you distinguish the two feelings.
| Limerence | Love |
|---|---|
| You feel like you can’t live without your limerent object. | Even though you don’t want to live without your partner, you know that you could. |
| You obsess over and look for hidden meaning in your interactions with your limerent object. | You have clear communication with your partner about what they’re feeling. |
| Your primary desire for your limerent object is sexual. | While you experience sexual desire for your partner, you also have an emotional bond. |
| The relationship is overwhelming, stressful, exhilarating, and more. | You feel safe, comfortable, and content in your relationship. |
| Your desire for your limerent object interrupts your life and overwhelms you with jealousy. | Each partner has their own, independent life outside of the relationship. |
| You idolize your limerent object and ignore any red flags. You view them as perfect. | You recognize your partner’s flaws and address them in a healthy manner. |
| You want affection and validation, so you will do anything to get it. | Each partner offers validation to the other, but still accepts each other’s flaws. |
Stages of Limerence
According to the Cleveland Clinic, there are three distinct stages of limerence: infatuation, crystallization, and deterioration.
- Infatuation: The first stage occurs when the individual establishes a real (or perceived) connection with their limerent object. This can imitate “love at first sight” or it can be a gradual connection. The individual will begin to think or fantasize about their limerent object, get anxious or excited when interacting with them, and search for signs that their affections are being returned.
- Crystallization: The second stage is when infatuation peaks, and the individual becomes fully obsessed with their limerent object. Fantasies about the limerent object take up the individual’s day and affect their daily routines. Obsession peaks, and the individual may lose their appetite, sleep poorly, and have difficulty concentrating as they focus on their desire for reciprocation from their limerent object.
- Deterioration: An individual will enter the third stage when the uncertainty regarding their limerent object ends. This may occur if the limerent object openly rejects the individual, begins dating someone else, or the individual finds someone new to focus on. Deterioration can come with a new host of feelings including relief, despair, anger, guilt, and more.
What Causes Limerence?
Though anyone can experience limerence, there are indicators of individuals who may be more susceptible to the obsession, according to the Cleveland Clinic.
Individuals may be more likely to experience limerence if they have:
- An insecure attachment style. Attachment styles can have an impact on individuals’ future relationships. Those with insecure attachment styles may have trouble with making meaningful connections with others.
- Experienced trauma. Trauma, such as abuse, may make individuals uncomfortable with being by themselves. This can make them want to preoccupy their thoughts with their limerent object instead of addressing what they’ve been through.
- Low self-esteem. Those with low self-esteem may consider themselves unlovable or unworthy, so they throw themselves into relationships where they know they will be rejected or where there is no meaningful connection.
- Significant social media use. Social media can make individuals feel attached to people that they don’t really know. It gives them glimpses into their everyday lives and allows individuals to project onto strangers.
How it Ends & Recovery Time
According to Psychology Today, there are three main ways limerence ends: consummation, starvation, and transference.
- Consummation. In this instance, the individual and the limerent object do enter into a romantic relationship. The reciprocation of the individual’s feelings usually removes the uncertainty propelling the limerence, causing the individual to lose interest in their limerent object.
- Starvation. In this case, the individual never receives any reciprocity at all and they can’t find hidden signs of their limerent object’s affections. This causes them to give up hope, and may lead to feelings of relief or despair.
- Transference. With transference, an individual may begin to have feelings for another, so their obsessive feelings with their limerent object transfer.
Treatment for Limerence
Therapy can be very helpful for those who regularly struggle with limerence. If you need mental health support, consider looking for a licensed counselor to help you discern your feelings.
There are a few different kinds of therapy that may help those with limerence recover from their condition:
- Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). This type of therapy helps individuals deal with unwanted thoughts and feelings about their limerent object. Through cognitive restructuring, individuals can achieve balanced thoughts and reduce overwhelming emotions. Studies have shown that CBT can help with limerent feelings.
- Schema Therapy. Schema therapy can help individuals understand how their past may be contributing to their present-day actions. By unpacking things like trauma and their attachment style, individuals can develop better relationship habits.
- Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). ERP is often used to treat OCD, which can be similar to the obsessive thoughts associated with limerence. ERP exposes individuals to triggers surrounding their limerent objects, like thoughts and images, and helps diminish the impact of their obsessive behaviors.
Resources for Limerence
If you’re looking for further resources to learn more about identifying and treating limerence, consider some of the literature below:
- Living with limerence: A guide for the smitten: Written under the pseudonym, “Dr. L.,” this neuroscientist author explains what limerence is, the neuroscience behind this condition, how to rid yourself of it, and much more. This book includes personal testimonies from those who have experienced limerence.
- The Limerent Mind: How to Permanently Beat Limerence and Shine: Neuroscientist Lucy Bain wrote “The Limerent Mind” after personally suffering and freeing herself from the condition. Bain wrote this book with the intention of helping individuals fully free themselves from limerence.
- Twenty Disastrous Limerence Errors: & Exactly How to Avoid Them: Also by Lucy Bain, “Twenty Disastrous Limerence Errors” was created to read alongside “The Limerent Mind.” This book points out common mistakes that those suffering from limerence face and how to avoid them.
Meet the Author
Ali Lemmons, BS, Summa Cum Laude
Ali Lemmons is a graduate of the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga where she earned a Bachelor of Science degree in Communication with a minor in computer science. While at UTC, Ali also earned the distinction of Summa Cum Laude, the Outstanding Senior Award for the communication department, and was inducted into the Kappa Tau Alpha honor society. Now, as editor/digital content specialist for CMC Publications and Digital Smart Marketing, Ali leads the ideation, conceptualization, and development of numerous health, wellness, and lifestyle articles published in print and online for HealthScope, CityScope, and Choose Chattanooga magazines – premier publications serving S.E. Tennessee and North Georgia. She also is the lead copywriter for the company’s social media sites.
