As children, we depend on our parental figures for everything, from safety and nourishment to comfort and support. If that wasn’t already enough pressure on new parents, five decades of research has shown that your emotional connection with your parents can directly affect the health of your future relationships.
This is known as the attachment theory.
What is the Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory is a psychological theory that focuses on the important bond between a child and their caregiver. This emotional bond, whether secure or insecure, can affect how a child will relate in romantic relationships later in their adult life.
The most famous study of attachment styles occurred in 1969 and is known as the Strange Situation. Psychologist Mary Ainsworth conducted a study observing children between the ages of 12 to 18 months.
In Ainsworth’s study, a parent and a child entered a room together. After playing for a while, the parent left and returned a few minutes later. The child’s response was monitored.
The Four Attachment Styles
In Ainsworth’s study, a parent and a child entered a room together. After playing for a while, the parent left and returned a few minutes later. The child’s response was monitored.
- Secure attachment style: These children were upset upon their parent’s departure and cheered upon their return. When frightened, these children were also quick to turn to their parents for comfort and safety.
- Anxious attachment style: These children were upset upon their parent’s departure and difficult to comfort upon their return. They may refuse comfort from the parent even when frightened.
- Avoidant attachment style: These children did not react upon their parent’s departure or upon their return. While they may not actively refuse comfort from a parent, they don’t actively seek it out.
- Disordered attachment style: These children showed a different mix of reactions to the departure and return of their parents. They may also seem confused and apprehensive when interacting with their caregiver.
In accordance with the Strange Situation, Ainsworth determined that the baby’s reaction often showcased how well the parent was fulfilling the child’s needs. Babies with an attentive caregiver have grown to rely on their parent, hence being upset while the caregiver is gone but comforted on the return.
On the other hand, babies with insecure attachment styles had learned that their parent wasn’t going to fulfill their needs, hence the indifference on the parent’s departure or return.
Let’s dive into each individual attachment style.
Secure Attachment Style
A secure attachment style is what we all strive for. Babies who develop a secure attachment style usually have a caregiver that fulfills both their physical and emotional needs. According to Psychology Today, a recent study estimated that around half (51.6 percent) of children develop a secure attachment style.
How does it affect future relationships? According to the Cleveland Clinic, those with a secure attachment style are more likely to be well-prepared for a long-lasting and healthy relationship. Though no relationship is easy, an individual with a secure attachment style will be more mature and better prepared for emotional intimacy.
Anxious Attachment Style
An anxious attachment style may form if a baby’s physical and emotional needs are not being met. This causes the baby to doubt their caregiver and be unsure if they will be taken care of. Because they often aren’t receiving needed attention, they struggle to be comforted by their caregiver.
How does it affect future relationships? Adults with an anxious attachment style may be viewed as needy or clingy by their future partner. They may frequently fear that their partner will abandon them, worry their partner will fall out of love with them, or they may seek constant reassurance.
Disorganized Attachment Style
A disorganized attachment style may stem from a troubled childhood, often one marked by fear or trauma. This can be due to an inconsistent or confusing relationship with the child’s caregiver. According to the Cleveland Clinic, this is the most extreme and least common of the attachment styles.
How does it affect future relationships? Often, a disorganized attachment style can prevent an individual from developing a strong, healthy relationship, sometimes due to a mental illness or personality disorder. They may crave a close relationship but ultimately push others away.
Attachment Styles and Future Relationships
As we’ve discussed, attachment styles can certainly affect an individual’s future relationships. Specifically, your attachment style may impact your communication style, how you feel about emotional intimacy, and how you trust your partner.
Communication Styles
One of the biggest areas of a relationship that attachment styles can impact is communication. Often, individuals with secure attachment styles are able to communicate clearly and openly and are receptive to what their partner has to say. Those with anxious attachment styles, on the other hand, tend to overthink and need constant reassurance.
Individuals with an avoidant attachment style struggle to communicate about emotional or hard topics, often withdrawing from the conversation or dismissing their partner’s needs. A disorganized attachment style may cause an individual to switch between communicating well with a partner and later pushing them away, causing confusion and stress in the relationship.
Emotional Intimacy
Similarly, different attachment styles can determine how an individual responds to emotional intimacy. Individuals with secure attachment styles can easily form an emotional connection, feel comfortable sharing their emotions, and have no problem asking for support. Those with anxious attachment styles may crave this emotional connection but will often experience overwhelming fear of rejection.
Individuals with an avoidant attachment style struggle with emotional intimacy. Often, they will push their partner away to avoid uncomfortable emotional expression. A disorganized attachment style may cause an individual inner conflict as they desire a close emotional bond but are too afraid of emotional pain.
Trusting Your Partner
Lastly, attachment styles can affect an individual’s relationship with trust. Securely attached individuals usually have no problems trusting their partner, and they are confident in their partner’s reliability and availability. Anxiously attached individuals, conversely, may have trust issues and will doubt their partner’s commitment.
Individuals with avoidant attachment styles struggle to trust their partners and often have a strong sense of self-reliance and independence. Those with a disorganized attachment style struggle to develop trusting relationships due to their constant switching between a desire for intimacy and a fear of being hurt.
Self-Awareness: Finding Your Attachment Style
While none of the four attachment styles are “bad,” it’s important to be self-aware of what your attachment style is and how it may impact your relationships. This can help you work towards developing a secure attachment style and mitigate any unhealthy or toxic behaviors in your relationships.
The most effective way to determine your attachment style is by educating yourself on the four different styles and analyzing your behavior in past relationships. You may also consider the relationship you had with your caregiver growing up.
Lastly, you can take a variety of online quizzes, like this one from Verywell Mind, to help you determine your attachment style.
Self-Awareness: Finding Your Attachment Style
The most effective way to determine your attachment style is by educating yourself on the four different styles and analyzing your behavior in past relationships. You may also consider the relationship you had with your caregiver growing up.
Lastly, you can take a variety of online quizzes, like this one from Verywell Mind, to help you determine your attachment style.
Meet the Author
Ali Lemmons, BS, Summa Cum Laude
Ali Lemmons is a graduate of the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga where she earned a Bachelor of Science degree in Communication with a minor in computer science. While at UTC, Ali also earned the distinction of Summa Cum Laude, the Outstanding Senior Award for the communication department, and was inducted into the Kappa Tau Alpha honor society. Now, as editor/digital content specialist for CMC Publications and Digital Smart Marketing, Ali leads the ideation, conceptualization, and development of numerous health, wellness, and lifestyle articles published in print and online for HealthScope, CityScope, and Choose Chattanooga magazines – premier publications serving S.E. Tennessee and North Georgia. She also is the lead copywriter for the company’s social media sites.
